Dear Younger Self: Live Every Moment with Self-compassion and Self-love
I am filled with gratitude for reaching the big 50 milestone. Notwithstanding COVID-19, this big milestone was (and will still be) celebrated. I am blessed with full life; a growing business and coaching practice; valued for my skills and insights; loved by a beautiful teenage daughter. I am taking action to prioritise my wellbeing (an ongoing learning journey); giving back in meaningful ways; and surrounded and supported by extraordinary women.
Turning 50 has also deepened my reflection about how I got here. Let’s be clear – there has been a lot of winding roads and I am left with many bruises. However, every birthday is a reminder of moving forward and learning lessons from past actions and behaviours – some of which I wish I had learned earlier. But, it’s never too late for change. I can attest to this. With this is mind, I would like to share 3 life lessons with you in the hope that it could also help other young (and older) women navigate this journey of life.
- You are NOT your childhood wounds
Susan Storm says that each of us has unique childhood struggles that create patterns of behaviour as we grow up. “For some of us, we felt that we were better off if we stayed in the background. Speaking up would cause more harm than good. For others, we felt like we had to be hyper-responsible because our parents were weak or distracted. Some of us had beautiful childhoods, but there was an underlying message that we had to earn our love through acts of selflessness”. She makes the example that when a child believes that a parent must be protective but they are overly strict, for example, it creates a feeling of disconnection for the child. This makes the child become “their own judges and critics”. They developed their own code of ethics and list of rules – and this code was strict and must be followed to the letter. They developed a relentless feeling of never being acceptable – that they must always try to be better. They also tried to repress their emotions, especially anger. However, this emotion typically showed up in judgmental, critical behaviour and follows them through life.
In adulthood I believe this shows up as perfectionism. I deeply connect with this and it wasn’t until my life fell apart at age 45 that I realised that perfectionism is not a virtue. As Elizabeth Gilbert says: “I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, ‘I am not good enough and I will never be good enough’.”
- Put Yourself First
I grew up believing that putting myself first is wrong and arrogant. Working the human rights space and being an activist re-emphasised this message. IT IS NOT. As author Brene Brown has discovered in her research on wholehearted living, loving yourself more than you love others is the first and most critical step to seeking happiness and fulfillment. She maintains that it is impossible to love anyone more than you love yourself. Taking care of yourself is the pathway to fulfilment and to high performance in work and in life. And, in this way it is also a gift to others.
Brown emphasised that when your needs are met and you feel good about yourself, it’s easier to elevate the needs of other people in front of your own. It’s easy to be a giver when your cup is full. When you feel empty, it’s harder to give. You inherently feel people should be giving more to you or others so you don’t have to give so much, or feel you need to preserve more for yourself. I have learnt this lesson quite late in my life – after suffering significant health and wellbeing challenges – forcing me to rethink where I sit
on my list of priorities. Now that I am able to tune into my own mind, body and soul, I can prioritise my needs and set boundaries to help me stay on track. I have found that being able to do this has helped me to live a life of self-love and self-compassion; and then to be able to (and believe it is still a journey) apply this in relation to others.
- Live a Life with Purpose
I grew up with parents who were committed to and act in their communities in different ways. It has therefore been normal for me to continue on this path. My life journey is about living and working to do good, to challenge injustice and to support those who are marginalised (women in particular) to claim their strength and agency. As Audre Lorde so beautifully puts it: “For women, the need to nurture each other is not pathological but redemptive, and it is within that knowledge that our real power is discovered”. Amen.
I can also recall many times in my life when I chose to veer off my path of purpose; and the universe was instrumental in making me aware of this, by, for example, not giving me jobs that didn’t align with my passion and values. In addition, after many years of falling from one job to the next and living with criticism as a job hopper, I realised that part of living my purpose was doing it in a way that was not the traditional way. I knew I got bored working on the same thing for a long time and it affected my ability to be happy in a job. Now I work for myself, on short but meaningful projects, and within my areas of passion. I am happy, and fulfilled. As Iyanla Vanzant says, “Each of us was born to fulfill a divine purpose. As we open our hearts and minds to a new way of being, the purpose of our lives unfolds organically.“ Mine did, eventually. Listen to your heart.
As Rumi says: “I learned that every mortal will taste death. But only some will taste life”. Taste Life.
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