I am Successful… But Why am I So Unhappy?

You have worked hard to get where you are. Late nights, many cups of coffee, and being closer to your laptop than your family has finally brought you the success you have dreamed of since you were little. But then, why do you feel unhappy, disillusioned, stuck?

Sonja Lyubomirsky, in The Myths of Happiness, suggests that “life circumstances” (such as education  levels, marital status, wealth, etc.) contribute only about 10% to one’s happiness, with the rest coming from one’s genetic make-up (about 50%) and one’s values, attitudes and habits (about 40%). Lyubomirsky argues that we have been given false promises—myths that assure us that lifelong happiness will be attained once we hit the culturally confirmed markers of adult success. This restricted view of happiness works to discourage us from recognising the upside of any negative life turn and blocks us from recognising our own growth potential.

When I was at university my vision of a great life was having a great career, being recognised for what I do and having enough money to have a great home, car and all the trappings of success. Fast forward to 2015, I had all of this and my life fell apart – you call it a midlife crisis, I call it a wake-up call! I have seen many successful women get this wake-up call at the peak of their careers. Their life may not be falling apart but the signs are there – you feel unfulfilled with your work (but you are doing it well); You feel disconnected from your purpose (what inspires me?); you are not taking care of your mental and physical health (because you are too busy working); and you feel disconnected from people who mean a lot to you (because you don’t have time).

It is tragic that it is often only when we are in, or approaching our 40s that we realise that the life we have lived (with all its trappings of “success”) is not the life we want. I learnt this the hard way, but I am eternally grateful for the lessons. The primary lesson – I can stand in my own way or I can consciously act change my destiny. Here are 3 valuable practices that can help you take the next positive step:

1 –  Live with (Deep) Awareness

Awareness is the foundational driver of change. In this age of “busyness” and technology, we spend our lives operating like robots, falling from one thing to the next – being busy, busy, busy. Like a hamster in a wheel, we spin around aimlessly, doing what needs to be done – being busy, busy, busy. At the end of it all, you are exhausted, ill, depressed, etc.

When last did you sit down, quietly, no social media, no phone, no TV, no laptop, and just connected with yourself? Many of us are scared of going there because we fear what we will discover. If you live in awareness you are able to constantly tap into your deepest desires and act to change that which is bringing you down. Deepak Chopra says that everyone who feels stuck or in pain is suffering from the same underlying problem: a state of contracted awareness. From this place of fear and constriction, every step forward feels like a battle. You keep doing more of what never worked in the first place, and as frustration mounts, you feel more and more exhausted.

On the other hand, when your awareness expands, you no longer feel fearful, and love and fresh ideas have space to grow. In this expanded state, spiritual solutions spontaneously emerge.  Chopra advised that instead of trying to rely on the limited resources of the ego-mind, you let yourself be guided by your true self, which is the source of all peace, clarity, and wisdom. With clearer vision, you no longer feel confused and conflicted. As you continue to evolve, you enter the level of pure awareness. At this level, no problems exist. You are aligned with the infinite field of all possibilities.

Chopra suggests the following actions to awaken a deeper awareness:

• Look at your hidden assumptions and beliefs.
• Take responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t blame or project.
• Ask for answers to come from every direction.
• Trust that the solution is there, waiting to unfold.
• Be curious and follow your hunches and intuition.
• Be willing to step into the unknown, for that is where all the answers lie.
• Accept that everyone inhabits his or her own reality bubble. Become aware of the reality that other people are coming from.
• Approach every day as if it’s a new world because it is.

So how can you nurture this sense of deeper awareness? There are many ways, but you should find those that work for you. Here are some practical tips:

1. Meditate: the ultimate benefit of meditation is liberation of the mind from attachment to things it cannot control, such as external circumstances or strong internal emotions.
2. Silent reflection and contemplation. A Journal is one way to do this. Beyond keeping your creative juices flowing, regular writing can give you a safe, cathartic release valve for the stresses of your daily life.
3. Commune with Natu Fresh air can lift your mood and spirits.
4. Seek higher guidance through prayer or meditation.
5. Associate with admired people who serve as mentors and positive role models.
6. Identifying with your inner self and not your external achievements.
7. Placing importance on our own inner growth and spending time on nurturing it.
8. Being open to change, not fearing the unknown.
9. Being comfortable with uncertainty and the rewards it offers.

A significant aspect of living with deep awareness is, living mindfully. Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future.

2 – Living with Purpose

Some people measure success by the wealth they have accumulated, the power they have attained, or the status they may have achieved. Yet, even though they’ve reached success beyond their wildest dreams, they still have an empty feeling — something is missing from their life. Sound familiar?

Why is purpose so important? A purpose sets the entire context of our lives. Without a clearly defined purpose, we are just a haphazard combination of goals and non-goals and actions and non-actions meandering through space and time. A purpose is a master plan for our life. Knowing our purpose helps us define our goals. It helps us avoid getting lost in the minutia of daily life by keeping our eyes on the target. It can make life much more enjoyable and effortless. Purpose is not something that others choose for us; rather, it is something we must choose for ourselves. It emerges from an exploration of what we value most. When we are defining our purpose in life, it is important to not worry about how we will go about achieving it.

In order to fill that void and be completely fulfilled in life, your soul may be searching for something more. Although everyone is different, there are common threads that bind a life with purpose. Frank Sonnenberg suggests the following actions to help you live with purpose:

1. Set priorities. People who live a life of purpose identify those activities that matter most to them and spend the majority of their time and effort in those areas. Otherwise, it’s too easy to drift away in the currents of life.
2. Follow your passion. People who live a life of purpose wake up each morning eager to face the new day. They pursue their dreams with fervour, put their heart into everything they do, and feel that they’re personally making a difference. As James Dean, the actor, once said, “Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.”
3. Achieve balance. People who live a life of purpose put their heart into their career and into building relationships with friends and family. They also reserve adequate time to satisfy their personal needs. Achieving balance means living up to one’s potential in all facets of life.
4. Feel content. People who live a life of purpose have a feeling of inner peace. They’re satisfied with what they have and who they are. To them, the grass is greener on their own side of the fence. As the saying goes, “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.”
5. Make a difference. People who live a life of purpose make a meaningful difference in someone else’s life. They do things for others without expectation of personal gain, serve as exemplary role models, and gain as much satisfaction witnessing the success of others as witnessing their own. As the old proverb says, “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.”
6. Live in the moment. People who live a life of purpose cherish every moment and seek to live life without regret. They take joy in the experiences that life gives and don’t worry about keeping score. Dr Seuss may have said it best, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

When we identify and commit to our intentions, the opportunities and methods for achieving our purpose will begin to show up. In fact, they are often already in our lives, but we may not have noticed them because we were not paying attention. Defining your purpose helps you to focus on what matters most.

3 – Self-Love (and Self-Care)

In recent times, we have become sceptical about words like “self-love” and “self-care” because they are said to have become the buzzwords of a superficial society that focuses on things like manicures and ombre hair colours. But there is so much more to it.  What is self-love, then? Is it something you can buy in a beauty makeover or a new set of clothing? Can you get more of it by reading something inspirational? Or, can a new relationship make you love yourself more? The answer to all of these questions is No! Although they feel good and are gratifying, you can’t grow in self-love through these types of activities. Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good.

Psychology Today defines self-love as a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows by actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love in us, we begin to accept our weaknesses as well as our strengths and have less of a need to explain away our shortcomings. We grow compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centred in our life purpose and values, and expect fulfilment through our own efforts.

Dr Deborah Khoshaba suggests the following 7 step Prescription for Self-Love.

1. Become mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel and want. They are mindful of who they are and act on this knowledge, rather than on what others want for them.
2. Act on what you need rather than what you want. You love yourself when you can turn away from something that feels good and exciting to what you need to stay strong, centred, and moving forward in your life, instead. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behaviour patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.
3. Practice good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy and healthy social interactions.
4. Set boundaries. You’ll love yourself more when you set limits or say no to work, love, or activities that deplete or harm you physically, emotionally and spiritually, or express poorly who you are.
5. Protect yourself. Bring the right people into your life. There isn’t enough time in your life to waste on people who want to take away the shine on your face that says, “I genuinely love myself and life”. You will love and respect yourself more.
6. Forgive yourself. We humans can be so hard on ourselves. The downside of taking responsibility for our actions is punishing ourselves too much for mistakes in learning and growing. You have to accept your humanness (the fact that you are not perfect) before you can truly love yourself. Practice being less hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, there are no failures if you have learned and grown from your mistakes; there are only lessons learned.
7. Live intentionally. You will accept and love yourself more, whatever is happening in your life when you live with purpose and design. Your purpose doesn’t have to be crystal clear to you. If your intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life, you will make decisions that support this intention, and feel good about yourself when you succeed in this purpose. You will love yourself more if you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do. You need to establish your living intentions, to do this.

There are always steps you can take to change your life. Sometimes you need help to do it, but you can do it. I chose to work with a Coach to help me on my journey to living with purpose. The benefits of working with a Coach is that the coaching process provides you with a safe space to unravel the deep-seated limiting beliefs and destructive habits and behaviours that have been holding you back. The Coach is there to hold, support, challenge and comfort you to get to the other side in one, whole, happy piece.